April 16 , 2007

Insecurity In Relationships, Part 1

I was thinking about times of insecurity in my relationships. Times when I just didn’t feel comfortable. Was my insecurity someone else’s problem or was it mine? Was my insecurity based on something in me or something they did or did not do?

Insecurity can be caused by many different things, so let’s look at a few of them.

Unhealed Hurts from our past, cause us to be clingy, afraid to give the other person room to breathe or be themselves because of our fear of losing them. In order for us to have a healthy lasting relationship our emotions have to be healed and brought under submission. If we attempt to go into a relationship unhealed our insecurity, which can go safely hidden for a while will begin to manifest in jealousy, repeated questions about our significant other or spouses prior relationships and friendships, especially with the opposite sex, immaturity and distrust.

If you find that you need the answers to the questions or you are constantly watching his/her responses to the opposite sex there may be a problem with insecurity. Be clear insecurity can kill or seriously damage a relationship by constant nagging, little comments that are made to see how the person will respond and a constant need to have their love for you affirmed by words or deeds. They will never be able to do enough, to affirm you, feelings of insecurity brought on by past hurts must be healed first and God is the only one that can bring the kind of healing we need.

What other things besides unhealed hurts from our past can cause insecurity?

Not being appreciated or loved the way you need to be loved can cause or breed insecurity. Your need for flowers, to be held constantly or told I love you all of the time could be indications of your insecurity. In essence we are talking about a constant need to be stroked or affirmed. It is okay and natural for us to want to hear it and it is okay to want the attention, but if you don’t get it and that sends you into an emotional upheaval/depression, eating or some similar bad habit or response because of what you needed and did not get, we need to honestly evaluate our feelings and our needs. Are they reasonable? Are they putting a strain on the relationship and my partner?

Another reason that you may be feeling unsure is because you have accepted a good thing that was not a God thing. Okay, you ask, “What does that mean”? It sounds like gibberish. The man or woman that you are with may not be the one God has for you. If you are already married we encourage you to seek God and if necessary a good Christian counselor to help you walk through your situation. We are not recommending divorce, but maybe self-evaluation and restoration. If you are dating or engaged ask yourself, is this what God has for me? Better yet ask God, by lifting up a simple prayer. It looks good, we get along well, most of the time and we have a lot in common, but God is this the one You have for me? I love him and he loves me, but it seems like something is missing.

Do not blow past this. God gives us signs when what we have attached to is not what He intended for us. They are probably a very nice person, with a very loving heart, but the real question we need to ask is, God is this the person You have for me? God has a perfect will, but if we choose for ourselves we can operate in less than His perfect will and end up living in His permissive will. That means He will allow you to have what you wanted, your desire, which may not have been His perfect will for your life. We must make sure that we seek His perfect will if we want to live life in it’s fullness.

I have heard people tell a story/joke about getting to heaven and taking the heavenly tour. They came to a room that was full of unopened gifts. When they asked what the gifts were for they were told these are all the blessings people did not get because they chose to do things their own way. That is what we get when we operate in God’s permissive will.

How will I know if I am operating in God’s perfect will?

Our desire will look good to us, but God will let you know that you are not in His will by situations and circumstances. An extended engagement may be a sign that somebody wasn’t ready to get married and if you were, the words may have been said to hold your attention. A male friend of mine told me that sometimes men bring it up because it is what women want to hear. They are not really ready to get married. Then we sit in position waiting for them to get ready and our insecurity grows.

As we sit there waiting for the wedding to take place, and it is getting no closer insecurity rises and it should, this may be God’s warning from the GBY (God’s Best for You) Broadcasting System. Don’t miss it. The relationship may not be His best for you for several reasons. Ask Him to reveal them to you. Then listen and obey what He tells you. It will hurt at first but cost you less in the long run. Watch next weeks message for part two of this article.

Weekly Scripture:

Proverbs 1:29-33: 29 For they hated knowledge and chose not to fear the Lord.
30 They rejected my advice and paid no attention when I corrected them. 31 Therefore, they must eat the bitter fruit of living their own way, choking on their own schemes. 32 For simpletons turn away from me—to death. Fools are destroyed by their own complacency. 33 But all who listen to me will live in peace, untroubled by fear of harm.” (NLT)

Proverbs 1:29-33:29-33 "Because you hated Knowledge and had nothing to do with the Fear-of-God, Because you wouldn't take my advice and brushed aside all my offers to train you, Well, you've made your bed—now lie in it; you wanted your own way—now, how do you like it? Don't you see what happens, you simpletons, you idiots? Carelessness kills; complacency is murder. First pay attention to me, and then relax. Now you can take it easy—you're in good hands." (From the Message Bible)

  Listen To The Lord and Obey

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