February 26, 2007

Healing Hurts

by the Rev. Kimberley McNeil 

One morning, I was speaking with a beloved friend regarding the conversation I had with my ex-husband the night before. During this conversation, not only did I recap our exchange; but, I also shared some incidents which I thought would explain why I was bitter during our marriage.

My friend who listened during my thirty minute rant posed one simple question. “Do you still love him?”

“Do I still love him? Well, there is a part of me that will always care about him.” With a small bit of annoyance in her she repeated the question, “Do you still love him?”

As I sat at the other end of the receiver, I pondered how she could ask such a question. After all, I have shared with her my heartaches regarding a rocky four year courtship, and a stormy eleven year marriage. I cried when I shared with her the heartbreak I felt after discovering affair after affair. How could she ask me when she knew about most of the post-divorce phone arguments we had?

The few minutes of silence as she waited on the other end for my answer felt like an eternity. During this timeless moment, I realized that in spite of an uneasy courtship, a disastrous marriage, a nasty divorce, and our current troublesome relationship, I still loved this man. So, with my tail between my legs, I responded to my awaiting friend with “Yes, I still love him.”

Upon ending my call with my friend, I felt a quickening in my spirit. As I began to discuss my feelings with the Lord, I asked the question, “Why do I still love him after all he has done to hurt me?” As I pondered this question, looking for the answer to be about what my ex-husband did or did not do; much to my surprise, the focus turned on to me.

The Lord brought to my attention a conversation that my ex-husband and I had while we were dating. During this conversation, he stated that he did not have any positive male role models to see what it takes to maintain a good relationship, or marriage. Following this recollection, I recalled several conversations in which my ex-husband tried to verbalize or explain how he felt the best way he could. However, these attempts to reach out were met with unkind words or actions because I was unable to hear what he was really saying because of the heartache I was experiencing at the time.

One of the last conversations of this nature took place during our divorce proceedings. As usual, I wanted him to acknowledge his part in my hurt, and the destruction of our marriage, when he said the following words, “If you don’t want the divorce, you can stop it.”

My response was sharp, quick and cut like a double edge sword, “Stop the divorce, are you kidding me? Stop the divorce so you can continue cheating on me? If you don’t want the divorce, be a man and stop it yourself.”

As I look back at this incident, I realized that although his words were not as moving as the scene from the movie “Jerry McGuire”, in which Tom Cruise gives that whole you complete me, I’m going to fight for us spiel, he said, I don’t want the divorce.

Prior to this conversation, he suggested counseling through his Pastor a few times. However, responding out of my hurt, I always posed the question, “Are you going to tell the counselor about how many times you cheated on me? If you can’t do that, we don’t need to go to counseling.” After five conversations with the same answer, my ex-husband out of his hurt said, “My Pastor said he does not want to deal with pettiness.” My response, your affairs are not petty to me.

As I thought about this incident, I came to the conclusion that the affairs were not petty; but my focus on making him be totally at fault was. His Pastor wanted to focus on healing our marriage holistically, not just dealing with his affairs. However, my hurt would not allow me to see past his affairs.

Bottom line, I wanted our marriage my way. I wanted him to do something he had no guidance on, be a perfect husband and father. I needed him to communicate honestly in a way I could identify with. After all, why couldn’t he just say, “I want to fight for our marriage.” instead of “If you don’t want the divorce, you can stop it.” Why couldn’t he say, “I love you?”

My desire to have him experience the same hurt I had been subjected to through years of lying, cheating and deception destroyed not only our family, but any hope of reconciliation between us. It also turned every post-divorce discussion regarding our children into a shouting match, usually ending with one of us hanging up on the other.

As a multitude of thoughts, memories and last nights previous conversation stirred in my mind, feelings of hurt and disappointment that I thought I had dealt with began to surface causing me to revisit the anger I thought sufficiently depressed to the depths of forgetfulness. As my heart pounded out of my chest, causing my blood pressure to skyrocket, I heard the still, small voice of my soul saying, “Deal with it. Heal from it”

In my dealing with these emotions, I had to accept responsibility for the role I played in the destruction of our marriage. I had to come face to face with the fact that I was not the woman or wife that he wanted or needed. No one wants to come home to a spouse that was angry all the time; however, I expected him to always come home to me. Now, please understand that I am not excusing adultery; however, I now understand that my actions helped push my ex-husband into the arms of others even when he wanted to be faithful to his wife.

As the Lord summoned these memories from the corners of my mind, I had to look at my behavior for what it really was, selfish and immature. I conducted myself in a way that was less becoming for a woman of God. For years, my justification for this behavior was the pain from all of open wounds and scars obtained during the battle of our marriage. Although the Bible called me to walk in love, I walked in hatred disguised by humiliation, embarrassment and degradation.

While looking at the ugliness of me, I felt a sudden sense of shame. How could I conduct myself in such a way while speaking to others about God’s love and forgiveness? How could I say that I love God, but loathed this man, and communicated my disgust with him on every occasion possible? As my heart sank to what felt like a bottomless pit; while aching as I realize the results of my actions, the Lord echoed the following words, forgive. As I started to cry, I beseeched the Lord for forgiveness; listing every harsh word, negative feeling and compromised behavior during my 15 year relationship with my ex-husband. With every line checked off, I felt a bit of relief.

Once this was done, I still riddled with remorse. I felt like the character Quasimodo in the movie the Hunch Back of Notre Dame. I just wanted to retreat to my room, and not surface for the rest of my life. However, that was impossible as I was having guests over for dinner, and it was too late to cancel. I ended up hiding the pain I was feeling, muddling through the evening with the internal torture going unnoticed.

While preparing for dinner, the Lord stopped me and told me to e-mail my husband and apologize. In this e-mail, I shared with him that I still love him, and how I am angry that he broke his promise that we would be together forever. Each heartfelt word carried a request for forgiveness. I ended this e-mail with the following paragraph:

I remember on the balcony the hotel in the Caribbean, you shared with me that you had a dream. In that dream, you were speaking with Julie Peer. During this conversation, she asked you about us and you told her that we were still going 20 years strong. As you finished the story, you said, I can't wait for this to come true. I want to show everyone that we can do this. From the bottom of my heart, I apologize for not being the woman of your dreams.

Well, while the guests were here, I was able to lie my way out of my disposition by blaming my behavior on being tired from the travel required from my new job. However, once the guests left, I became compelled to start writing this article say the following words. While I am writing this sentence, the Lord instructed me to repeat the following words, “Kimberley, I forgive you for what you have done to me (God), yourself, your ex-husband, your children, and your family.” As I type this sentence, the heaviness on my heart is lifting; and the song, “I Wanna Be More Like You” has filled my heart with joy.

Jesus spoke of tomb that looks well kept on the outside, but is filled with a rotting corpse inside. It pained me to realize that I looked like that to God: Pretty on the outside; but rotting with selfishness, anger and hatred on the inside. This process also required me not only to accept responsibility for my actions, but to reconcile them through asking forgiveness as well. Although I have taken a crucial step through asking forgiveness from God, my ex-husband, and myself, I still need to seek God’s guidance to reconcile issues with family and friends involved during certain parts of our courtship and marriage. I know that this process will also hurt; however, I know that until I do this, I will not have total deliverance.

As I close, I have come to recognize that although healing hurts; remaining in pain is worse.   

  Weekly Scripture  

Matthew 6:14-15: 14For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

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